The Little Bits of Joy Found in Sorrow

Friends, I have some sorrow to share with you today. I’ve debated making this public because it is oh so personal and quite painful… but I’ve decided that taking comfort in the virtual embrace of my friends (which I very much consider you to be) is something of a gift and perhaps a gift that would be most special right now.

I also know that some of you out there might empathize with this particular sorrow, and if I can share one or two words (or you with me) with the right person at the right time then this message is well worth the post.

I’ll preface by saying that I’m ok. We are firm believers in this house that everything happens for a reason. We need that assurance, right? that even frustration and suffering and sadness is inherently the right thing – even though it might not feel that way?

This weekend we miscarried. I was not far along, just five weeks, but the loss of losing this little baby has caused my heart to be sore. When we found out we were pregnant several weeks ago we were overjoyed – a little sibling for Liv! a new precious bundle to welcome into our family! I began imagining how we would split Liv’s room into a brand new nursery/big girl space. I made mental lists of names for a baby boy and a baby girl, I dogeared wallpaper ideas in my House Beautiful and new built-in storage solutions on Pinterest. We’ve had a terrible time keeping it a secret amongst friends and we had even decided to spill the beans with family as early as our July 4th mini vacation.

Last Friday came around though and I was keenly aware that something was wrong. Two calls to the triage nurse and a visit to my ob/gyn confirmed what I knew was happening to my body… this baby was not meant to greet us in this life. This baby was not meant to stay here with us to join our family at this time.

Kevin and I have both secretly shared with each other that we are certain that this little angel baby is a boy. But even as I dropped to my knees that afternoon to ask God if he would permit this baby to stay resting in his cozy haven, I knew with a heavy heart that it wasn’t meant to be.

I had a remarkable sense of calm and ease moving forward after that. My doctor showed me quietly on the ultrasound where the little baby was nestled up in his cocoon (though smaller than a grain of rice), but how there was no heartbeat radiating from his tiny little sack. I took comfort in that image, in seeing his picture, in knowing that life was cozy and perfect and peaceful for this short amount of time.

I have taken the time to cry. I cuddled with Liv that afternoon, shushing her to sleep in my arms rather than lying her down in her crib. She reminds me of what a gift children are and I am so grateful for her comfort. I am also grateful for the gift of friends. Friends joined us on Sunday morning for an amazing brunch where we hugged, laughed, celebrated life.

We are back on our feet now. We are feeling much better after a weekend of resting and contemplating. I know that an event like this will affect different people in very different ways and I grieve for those that have or will experience a miscarriage. Right now I take comfort in trusting a greater plan, and in understanding the science behind why miscarriages do happen. But I am happy that I could share this story with you. This blog is so much more than a journal of home renovating, it’s a window into our family’s lives and an opportunity for me to document the good, the great, the happy, the frustrating, the sad. It’s an opportunity to celebrate life from all its multifaceted angles.

Angles like this bit of happiness from over the weekend that makes me smile (it’s the little things in life right? like the joy of holding your first gardening hose!):

and it’s these moments that we cling to, especially when life gets a little tough.

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Comments

  1. Janelle says

    Dear Morgan,
    I’m just now reading your post, with a heavy heart & overflowing tears. My heart breaks for you & your sweet family. There will definitely be a special reunion in heaven one day when you will all be reunited.
    I am so relieved that you have the support of wonderful famiy & friends, including those of us who are your ‘online’ friends!
    Sadly, I too had a miscarriage many years ago (a boy, at 20 weeks) so I empathize with your situation. But this was back in the olden days, long before all of the current resources were available. But even then, family & friends got me through it!
    Your poignant post is so beautifully written and captures exactly the feelings I felt too, 33 years ago. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal, touching account of your experience. My prayers go out to you, your wonderful husband and sweet little Liv. <3
    Take care, Janelle

    • Morgan says

      Janelle, thank you so much for your comment and your kind words. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss – 20 weeks would be absolutely heart-breaking, I can only imagine. Thank you for your support and your online friendship! I have always appreciated your comments.

  2. says

    Hey Morgan, I’m just now reading your sad news. I unfortunately can tell you that I can relate – I’ve had two miscarriages myself. I too believe my babies are in heaven and I’ll get to meet them one day. I’m happy to hear you are now at peace with everything…it is such an emotional roller coaster like no other, isn’t it? Prayers to you for you and your family on your journey!

    • Morgan says

      Kelsey, thank you so much for your comment. I know you’ll get to meet your babies in heaven and I look forward to meeting mine. Thank you for your prayers.

  3. says

    Morgan, I can’t say with honesty that I can relate. We haven’t started down the parenthood journey yet. But we also believe that things happen for a reason, and that they are meant to make you stronger and wiser. I hope sharing has helped in any way it can. All the best!

  4. says

    Morgan, I’m so incredibly sorry to hear of your loss; and wish I’d been around earlier to read about it. You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.

  5. Jennifer says

    Oh, Morgan. I am so sorry and sad to hear this. The four of you are all in our prayers. I’m so glad to know that you have such supportive friends to lift you up and comfort you as you grieve. Love and hugs.

  6. says

    So sorry to hear this news Morgan, I’m sending you a big virtual hug. You wrote a beautiful post that I know can help others going through the same thing. I loved the video of Liv, the little dance at the end was so very cute.

  7. says

    So sorry to hear this Morgan. I too believe that everything happens for a reason, as difficult as this is to accept at times. Thank you for sharing. The telling of this heartfelt (heartwrenching) story is both thoughtful and honest. I wish hope and strength for you and your family.

    • Morgan says

      Thank you Jennifer, than you for your comment and kind words. They all mean so much right now.

  8. marissa says

    I am so sorry for your loss, and encouraged by the way your family continues to choose to look to God for his plan and his comfort in this situation.

    • Morgan says

      Thank you Marissa for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it.

  9. says

    oh, morgan.

    i am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. i am certain that God has big plans to prosper you and your family and hope that your words help to bring others comfort. i pray that you find solace in the fact that God will bless you and keep you.

    randa

  10. says

    i’m so sorry to hear about your loss. may your words be of comfort to others and to yourself in the days to come. i am certain that God has bigger things in store for your family and i pray that you continue to find solace in that.
    many, many blessings
    randa

  11. Christina says

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and unfortunately understand the pain that it brings. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family during this difficult time.

    • says

      Thank you Christina, all of the words and comments today have been so comforting – thank you for leaving a comment and I send that love right back.

  12. Ellen says

    Morgan – I am so sorry you are going through this, but I know where you are. I too have been in your shoes, and it is a difficult place. Some people do not understand your pain, others grieve even more so. Take it all in stride, and treat yourself and your emotions with care. And it sounds like you are already doing what I did, which is finding joy in the beautiful child you do have. Time will heal, though you will always wonder.
    Take Care
    Ellen

    • says

      Yes, exactly Ellen. There is such a swinging pendulum of emotions that different women in the same situation face (and friends of mine have faced) and I have such a desire to be sensitive to all. Though that’s triply hard when trying to relay the grief experience to someone who hasn’t shared in this type of pain (I worry – have I shared too much? Not enough? am I aware of how this affects others?). Thank you for your comment and your kind words. I really appreciate it.

  13. says

    Hey Morgan – I’m so sorry to hear about this. I wish that you didn’t have this heartache :( Please know that our family is praying for you and your precious little one. And thank you for being open and telling with your story – I know that this gives many women comfort to know that they are not alone.

    • says

      Thank you, Jenna. Sharing is a very healing part of the process for me and it’s been tremendously comforting to read everyone’s kind words.

  14. says

    Hi Morgan,
    It was good that you shared your pain and sorrow here…this is your safe place to write and express yourself. Losing a baby is a tremendous loss I’m so very sorry you have this journey to walk through. I hope that you are surrounded by people who don’t feel they need to say the “right thing” but are rather just there for you. I pray that you will allow yourself to grieve for as long as you feel necessary. I pray that you will always feel comfortable talking about your little boy and never feel the need to apologize for “still missing” his presence in your life. You are not alone. xo

    • says

      Thank you – you took many of the words and concerns right out of my mouth. Thank you so much for your comment.

  15. Christine says

    Morgan, I wanted to say I’m so sorry.

    I also wanted to thank you – I went through the same thing three years ago, and I found that by opening up about something that is so painful and feels so private, you realize that there are so many people who unfortunately know what your going through. I hope you can take some small confort in knowing that you’re probably giving others the courage to reach out too.

    • says

      Thank you Christine, I had very much debated on making this public as I know it’s difficult for others to read, too. But I have found great comfort in the comments and emails of readers and I can only hope that these words do the same to others that might possibly be experiencing something similar. Or perhaps will in the future and will have read about my particular story. Thank you for your comment.

  16. says

    Ah, Morgan, I am so sorry that your sweet family is going through such a heartbreak. Isn’t it amazing how God’s peace that passes understanding comes at such needed times? You are so wise to not try to figure out the why, but trust in God’s perfect plan. Praying for your complete healing and restoration. ♥

  17. says

    I’ve been trying to think of the right words to write on here but am failing to find them as my heart is heavy for you. Please find comfort in knowing that you (and your family) are thought of and in my prayers. May your tender heart be healed gently and fully with time. Take care.

  18. says

    Hi Morgan,
    Thank you so much for writing about this. It takes me right back to 3 years ago. I know exactly what you mean in what you say, as I felt similarly. In the sadness everything good seems doubly precious and impossibly beautiful. It seems to put those good things into better perspective. I remember feeling that the world was so much more colourful – as if the sun was shining through our tears.
    If you are willing, I would like to share your post. I feel it will help people to know how grief feels in this situation – that it is very sad but not quite in the way you might think – and you have written it so well.
    Thinking of you. Virtual hugs!
    Sacha
    Sacha x

    • says

      Sacha, thank you. You are absolutely right “In the sadness everything good seems doubly precious and impossibly beautiful.” I could not have said it better myself. I would be honored if you were able to use my words to help comfort others. xo

  19. Allyson says

    Morgan,

    Reading your sweet words I am reminded of my own miscarriage almost 10 years ago. The sorrow bubbles to the surface and I mourn my baby (who I knew in my heart was a girl who I call Grace)and cry tears only a mother who held that baby in her body can cry. I understand what you are going through in the core of my being. I went on to have 2 children after my miscarriage and accompanying D & C, a girl almost 9 and a son who will be 5 in 22 days. Hope is there if you choose to try again. (The fear will be there too.) I had a difficult time turning to God after mine, but in the end my faith is what saw me through. I will keep you in my prayers and know that someday you will get to hold your baby in your arms when he greets you in Heaven. Please be well. Blessings.

  20. says

    I’m really sorry Morgan. Unfortunately I know what you’re going through. Be positive because it will come when the time is right. Love, Nina

  21. says

    Morgan, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry that this little one was not meant to be here now. I’m glad that you are finding some solace and sending lots of healing energy your way.

  22. Kellie says

    Oh Morgan, I am so sorry to hear this news :( I know it is difficult no matter how far along you are. You and Kevin are so special to us…we will keep you in prayer! I am sure that sweet little girl knows how to cheer up her Momma, love the video! God bless you guys, we love you!

  23. Sandi says

    Oh boy, I shed a tear for you guys reading this. I agree that things like this happen for a reason. And you will add to your little family when the time is right. Hang in there…Hugs!

  24. Centsational Girl says

    Oh Morgan, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and I’m sending you a prayer of healing. So glad you can find small pieces of joy from this heartbreak in your Liv and your 5 year marriage to your wonderful man. Be well.
    Kate

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