Friends, I have some sorrow to share with you today. I’ve debated making this public because it is oh so personal and quite painful… but I’ve decided that taking comfort in the virtual embrace of my friends (which I very much consider you to be) is something of a gift and perhaps a gift that would be most special right now.
I also know that some of you out there might empathize with this particular sorrow, and if I can share one or two words (or you with me) with the right person at the right time then this message is well worth the post.
I’ll preface by saying that I’m ok. We are firm believers in this house that everything happens for a reason. We need that assurance, right? that even frustration and suffering and sadness is inherently the right thing – even though it might not feel that way?
This weekend we miscarried. I was not far along, just five weeks, but the loss of losing this little baby has caused my heart to be sore. When we found out we were pregnant several weeks ago we were overjoyed – a little sibling for Liv! a new precious bundle to welcome into our family! I began imagining how we would split Liv’s room into a brand new nursery/big girl space. I made mental lists of names for a baby boy and a baby girl, I dogeared wallpaper ideas in my House Beautiful and new built-in storage solutions on Pinterest. We’ve had a terrible time keeping it a secret amongst friends and we had even decided to spill the beans with family as early as our July 4th mini vacation.
Last Friday came around though and I was keenly aware that something was wrong. Two calls to the triage nurse and a visit to my ob/gyn confirmed what I knew was happening to my body… this baby was not meant to greet us in this life. This baby was not meant to stay here with us to join our family at this time.
Kevin and I have both secretly shared with each other that we are certain that this little angel baby is a boy. But even as I dropped to my knees that afternoon to ask God if he would permit this baby to stay resting in his cozy haven, I knew with a heavy heart that it wasn’t meant to be.
I had a remarkable sense of calm and ease moving forward after that. My doctor showed me quietly on the ultrasound where the little baby was nestled up in his cocoon (though smaller than a grain of rice), but how there was no heartbeat radiating from his tiny little sack. I took comfort in that image, in seeing his picture, in knowing that life was cozy and perfect and peaceful for this short amount of time.
I have taken the time to cry. I cuddled with Liv that afternoon, shushing her to sleep in my arms rather than lying her down in her crib. She reminds me of what a gift children are and I am so grateful for her comfort. I am also grateful for the gift of friends. Friends joined us on Sunday morning for an amazing brunch where we hugged, laughed, celebrated life.
We are back on our feet now. We are feeling much better after a weekend of resting and contemplating. I know that an event like this will affect different people in very different ways and I grieve for those that have or will experience a miscarriage. Right now I take comfort in trusting a greater plan, and in understanding the science behind why miscarriages do happen. But I am happy that I could share this story with you. This blog is so much more than a journal of home renovating, it’s a window into our family’s lives and an opportunity for me to document the good, the great, the happy, the frustrating, the sad. It’s an opportunity to celebrate life from all its multifaceted angles.
Angles like this bit of happiness from over the weekend that makes me smile (it’s the little things in life right? like the joy of holding your first gardening hose!):
and it’s these moments that we cling to, especially when life gets a little tough.